Pipes of the bumhole stuff, first find a soft bit of ground to park. Your ass on, we recommend a nice spot in the park with the sun gently caressing your face like a large but gentleman’s hand wrapped in an oven, mitt, but try and choose a quiet, private spot. You don’t want to get halfway through this tape so close to achieving zen when a bunch of chads go flying by on their stolen bmx’s hooton and calling you a bellend even in 2021, the noble art of meditation is still seen by some unsavory types as and I quote something that only knobbers do now: you’ve found your spot so cross your legs in front of you and place your hands gently on your knees, make sure you’re comfortable, maybe blow your nose scratch that niggling itch and you’re grown whatever you need to do, and Then let’s close our eyes, breathe deep and begin. You feel your body getting lighter as all of your burdens, seep from your paws, like angry sweat, stressed about that big work. Meeting not anymore you’re, not worried that you’re an ugly failure who’s going to die alone unloved and that your body will only be discovered several weeks later, when your flesh begins to decompose into gloopy fluid and drip into the downstairs flat, be gone foul thoughts. This nasty seepage continues until finally, every last bit of dread and despair has been excreted from your form and now you’re as light as a feather, lighter in fact, but not so light that you’re actually gon na you know, lift up off the ground and float away Into space that would be terrifying right.
There. Imagine that you’re stud in a forest surrounded by trees, daylight penetrates through the foliage above and everything is light and calm and peaceful. The only sounds you hear are happy birdsong and the chiropin of insects, friendly insects, not wasps or any of the fatty ones. You find yourself walking forwards, breathing deep. The air smells like moss and pine and a little bit like a freshly unwrapped, cadburys cream egg, twigs crunch, softly underfoot and a gentle breeze, tickles your skin and then up ahead. You see the trees begin to thin out you’re approaching a clear and right in the middle of the forest and as you step out into open space, you see a majestic lake spread out before you stretching into the distance. The water is the color of blue wicked. An unnatural hue, but one that somehow invites you to drink deep, but, as you sauntered to the edge of the lake, you notice that the water, ripples gently and that’s, when you see two figures frolicking in the water, just 20 yards out. One of them is your mum and the other is me your mum, giggles and bats. Her eyelashes, oh hi, she says what’s. This i’ve found lurking down here, thought it were a bloody sea serpent come to gobble me up, but of course it’s, not a sea serpent. At all, it’s, just my penis and then i do your mum and she bloody loves it expert weekly, so this week has actually been a fairly chill one as far as tech shenanigans go despite the fact that samsung dropped yet another galaxy unpacked event, honest midweek, although This wednesday’s event was actually pretty sedate as well, focusing on just three new galaxy book laptops rather than fresh bendy phones or wearables or whatnot.
These three notebooks boast a tough but slender finish as well as 11th gen intel, grunt and bugger loads of samsung features for connecting to your other shiny gadgets. The galaxy book pro upgrades the vanilla, model’s pls, screen to a punchy amoled panel, while offering an even slimmer and lighter finish and there’s, also a galaxy book pro 360 model that can be converted into a big old tablet. Thanks to that 360 degree hinge complete with a hot bit of s pen action, although regrettably there’s no spare orifice to shove that thing away when you’re done now. If you fancy a full on feast of all of the specs and features of those new sami laptops, and you want to see how they all stack up against one another as well. Well, good news i’ve done a full hands on comparison with the three right here. On texpert this week also saw the official global release of the black shark iv, a surprisingly affordable gaming blower that costs from 429 quid here in blighty. This near 6.7 inch unit, doesn’t sport, the same kind of specs as the rogue phone five, but it does have cute pop up trigger buttons, some nifty accessories and enough gaming features to choke a particularly gert some hippo, my full unboxing video with the black shark 4 Is live right now, complete with the extensive gaming tests that i usually do to see how the black shark 4 handles some serious gentian impact action, and yes, all of that is definitely why my wrists are all limp and knackered this week and no other reason – and This week i also revisited google’s pixel 5 flagship phone to see if it was just as lovable 6 months on and google has also been accidentally teasing.
Its upcoming budget handset, the pixel 5a 5g by publishing the following photo on its blog, a photo which nine to five google swiftly figured out was actually taken on, said handset for anyone who hasn’t really been keeping abreast of all the pixely news. Well for a while. It was rumored that the pixel 5a wasn’t, actually gon na, be happening until google confirmed that yes, the pixel 5 a5g is definitely a thing just like james corden, but unlike james corden, that’s, actually good news and unfortunately it doesn’t sound, like the google pixel 585g will Be launching or hitting stores or doing much of anything until much later in 2021, uh google records it’ll probably be happening about the same sort of time as the google pixel 4 last year, something’s around july august time, so definitely don’t get too excited at the prospect Of the google pixel 5a potentially making an appearance at the google, i o event, which is kicking off mid may and also there might be a chance that it doesn’t even hit blighty at all, because google has only confirmed that it will be releasing in the us And japan so far, although i would be really really surprised indeed, if this budget blower didn’t make it to uk shores and that’s about all of the highly thrilling tech news for this week, it has been a really quiet, one, which means it’s time for a fresh News segment uh, which will hopefully just kill an extra couple of minutes, a segment which i’m going to call gadgets which are proper mint.
Oh, that gadget is proper, mint and today’s gadget, which is proper mint is the ever kids the console for all gates like myself, who don’t want none of your dead souls shenanigans. Thank you very much, it’s a bit like a game gear or a psp or a nintendo switch for you, youngans, except it’s, designed to exclusively play retro style, 8 bit and 16 bit games. The design is neat and compact, and the games come on cartridges just like they used to when life was good and men were men and smoking didn’t give you cancer, it just put hairs on your chest. Even the game boxes are proper retro, absolutely love them and look at this as well a manual can you believe it a friggin paper manual. Kids, you won’t even know what these bloody things are. Will you so basically, back in the day, games didn’t start with a two hour, long tutorial, which gently took you by the hand and led you through all of the various games? Mechanics all you had was a manual like this, which told you everything you need to know: a equals jump b, equals shoot, you’ve, got three lives and no continues to complete the whole bastard thing and good luck and the other kid game collections are a bit of A mixed bag, admittedly for every two or three sort of golden quality titles that used to waste entire weekends on back in the day, there’s, always a couple of clunkers in there that you would never even look at twice, basically just like the classic publisher compilations.
From back in the day, but one of the best things about the other kid other than being able to play boogerman while you’re on the lavi is definitely the fact. You’Ve actually got a save game feature in there, so you don’t have to waste hours and hours. Replaying the same levels over and over again, which gives you more time to drink, booze and yeah you’ve still got all the quality original music too. So anyway, that’s the ever kid you can grab one right now. The starter pack on amazon is 60 quid. The courage is, of course, you’ll have to buy separate as well and they do tend to cost around sort of 15 20 quid the cost will mount up. But if you’re all about the nostalgia and you’ve got a bit of cash in the bank. Well, job done, but anyway, that’s enough stolen, now it’s time for the part of the short that’s about as fun as they punch yourself in the bollocks until you puke competition, it’s fewer comments, fewer comments, okay, so, first up, apparently only fans is something a little bit Darker than just another rip off of patreon, which i totally did not get last week, stefan says he thinks only fans is just a little patreon alternative. How cute uh etienne says? Yes, chris, i don’t know what only fans is. We believe you, although thousands wouldn’t i mean, is this a rabbit hole that i want to dive face first down, i get the feeling that maybe ignorance is bliss on this one, apparently, according to the website, if you use social media and produce your own content, you Should be using only fans, so i guess i tick those boxes, although admit they.
I only use twitter to grumble about how everything is, whether you’re uploading, tutorials tips behind the scenes, footage or just endless selfies. A lot of your followers would be willing to appear for them see it just sounds like some patreon. Is there something here that i’m really not getting jesus christ? According to this, i could be earning between twenty five thousand dollars and a hundred and twenty five thousand dollars per month what jesus christ? What am i doing? Shooting this shower shout out, give me a hundred the big bucks baby. Oh hang on right, uh! Okay! So when you, google, only from the first articles that pops up is uh from the new york times, how only fans changed sex work forever, only fans the platform for sex workers and celebrities to sell subscription content. What a random combination i’ve gone to this everyone and their mum is on it: mums: eh, hmm, okay, so i’ve been a big naive, dum dum, right uh. Moving on uh next comment, dateinsightonline.com says adult casual dating um cool i’m, starting to think that the internet’s a bit of a sordid place, you know uh next up amir says i can ask personal questions: um yeah go for it! So whatever you, whatever you want we’re all friends here there are no secrets in the spurt and army on the everlasting regrets and our mongolian buddy neutrally presented is back. He says that mongolia made a fun called hulan, 21 and it’s weird.
Could you check it out? All right so it’s made by a manufacturer, called ll, not sure how to pronounce that um just going on the website now, understandably it’s, all in mongolian and google translate wants absolutely not to do with it. Quite a nice website, though just assume i don’t understand what any of it actually says. Oh hang on. Oh there we go there’s a languages bit in the menu, so let’s uh let’s get it onto english, uh. Okay, that did absolutely sweet. F here, yeah go on here, go on to english, and no luck so i’ve got absolutely no idea what any of the specs for anything or, but it certainly looks very distinctive that’s for sure are those buttons actually on the front of the phone? Is that just a weird perspective? I do like the camera setup, though it kind of makes the back look like a miniature pool table very funky. Indeed, uh next up hugh williams, says you’ve gone wii or tt on the course banter. Lately you can and did used to do better. It’S gone from clever to vulgar over the last few months. I used to do clever jokes. Clearly, lockdown is affecting my mind even worse than i thought, because i was pretty sure it was just knob gags and your mama jokes from the off basically and theseus has replied i’d like to think he’s gone, full lock down cabin fever nuts, i mean my main Source of conversation, these days is a hyperactive five year old who thinks the funniest thing in the world is the word willie, and i mentioned it’s – not wrong, because willy is a fundamentally hilarious word willy willy anyway, next up tony mohammed, says greetings from sweet and tropical Trinidad and tobago, and god damn it.
I already already hear you seriously: people who live in sun kissed, tropical climbs just pretends just for the sake of my sanity, that they come from bradford or milton keynes or something uh tony continues. We are having great weather. As usual so happy for you tony so so happy, though you know what it’s actually fairly sunny ish here, sometimes breaks through all the clouds and the crap that’s going on up there went out earlier didn’t even need to put a coat on. What do you think about that eh uh, but the damned beaches and the rivers are closed due to corvids? Ah, i mean yeah that that really sucks to be fair, i mean, hopefully things will stop sucking quite so bad at some point really soon. Yeah these, the pubs and stuff are starting to open up here to some capacity at least last week i had a cheeky stella in a sort of makeshift patio bit uh on on the street and uh yeah. That was, that was quite nice. Actually, even if drinking cold beer in like five degrees weather, while wearing a winter’s hat in exactly the way it’s supposed to be enjoyed, uh patrick says for those of a certain age and haven’t used both. I would say that apple equals swap shop and android equals tiz was 100 me. Yeah apple is definitely the uber posh chin, stroking polite absolute piece of the smartphone realm and android is definitely just the 100 anarchic.
Just does not give any whatsoever effort next up dave, drewfield says when i saw the title i thought you’d spurt it over to the dark side: wasn’t it a dodgy apple that did for sleep and beauty that was actually snow, white uh. Unfortunately, sleeping beauty was the spinning wheel thing. The only reason i know this is because my daughter was absolutely obsessed with snow white when she was just two years old as well, and let me tell you what it’s still terrifying well you’re. Only 10 minutes in when snow white is suddenly attacked by a huntsman who wants to carve her heart out of her chest and put it into a bloody box and she manages to escape and then literally, like 30 seconds later, she’s in a forest being attacked by Rapey tree creature, things straight out of the bloody evil dead, and this is a movie for kids. I mean i’m, not sure about my daughter but sure as i’ll put the at me next up the sentinel 909 says people are literally making entire dedicated videos to the new purple, iphone yeah i mean iphones, they get the clicks man. What that’s you know that’s. Why or every single youtuber as soon as any new phone comes out they’re immediately, comparing it to the iphone friggin 12.. I mean let’s face it. They’D all compare a bloody toaster to the iphone if they could and next up teo says i’m also a leo, and i also have sharp canines.
Is this actually a thing yeah? What the mother f is actually going on there it’s yeah that’s that’s, just bizarre. I i don’t, like um, alex b, says every time i watch one of your videos i feel like i should be calling social services uh. Yeah i’ve definitely had that comment before uh police. I get quite a lot as well. A pink doggo says: hey texpert, land what’s, your favorite whiskey region, uh, whiskey region. Would it be a cheat just to save scotland in general, i’ve had some really nice whiskies from the orkneys there’s a couple of those really stick out in my mind. The last one was from kirkwall beer. I think it was called a really really nice single malt, definitely partial to a good bit of sake every now and then as well, though just to mix it up uh. Why not you know? Variety is the spice of life. Uh next up, coos swat, says wow seriously going to ignore this crappy channel from now on. Well, ku swat. You really should be called koos smart, because that is a damn fine idea. Why waste? Your time with any of this youtube shenanigans use it wisely we’re. Only on earth for a limited amount of time get out there and expand your horizons, maybe find a new hobby, a bit of pigeon fancy and i’ve heard that’s quite popular or take up a sport. You know a bit of exercise and all that gets you out.
The house means i have more time alone with your mum. There you go another clever gag for hugh williams. Hope you’ll, see it. Sir next up david ashmore says: hopefully apple won’t release a ripoff, mr wank sock, oh christ, i mean if they did, it would cost you like. 50 quid you’d have to buy a separate adapter and it’ll, probably break after one good spurt. Anyway. I am way over time uh as usual. So a massive thank you to everyone who left uh comments. Last week it was great fun reading. All of those, please do uh slap. Your theories, questions comments. Whatever you want down below we’ll get to as many of those as possible. Next week next friday, at noon, uh let’s have a quick look at next week, what’s coming up and either i’ve been forgetting to update my calendar or there’s, absolutely bugger, all going on next week by the looks of it um so hooray. I have to think of some new crappy segments to waste a little more time in next week’s textbook, weekly uh, but yeah. No, the lots of videos will be going live because i’ve got a whole heap of tech, still stacked up ready to review. Few fine fork in the meantime have yourselves a fun bloody tastic weekend. Hope you managed to get out and enjoy life wherever you are. Uh stay safe and have yourselves a great way, as you’ve just said, that already bloody hell and please do pork subscribe digging that notifications bell.
I haven’t said those yet had i uh and i’m off to join only fans and yeah. I mean 100 grand a month. I’Ll get my nipples out for that.